Strategies of love. Self esteem and boundaries
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Often women, prone to falling into love addiction, in relationships with their men either put up very tight, impenetrable borders, or fail them, and let them into their territory too far without worrying about their comfort and safety.
- “I'm ready for everything for him, and he wipes his feet about me!”
- “Let them suffer and prove that they deserve me!”
- “I never show interest first, it humiliates a woman!”
- "Beats, it means love."
- "A man appreciates only the woman who ignores him."
All these different, but very familiar to all the messages have one similarity: they have a clear distortion of the borders. Many women (fortunately, not all!) In the love arsenal have two favorite and ineffective strategies of communication with the opposite sex. Empathic, warm women often tend to ignore their boundaries, yielding in all important positions to the object of their love.
Women, who declare “dignity” brightly and loudly, demanding and principled often hide behind this facade the inability to be attentive enough and responsive to the needs of their man. Some women are able to use, alternately or mixed, both "strategies of love." Someone uses one favorite trick. But in such a relationship a woman remains unsatisfied. And each of these strategies forms a codepended process. (Here I want to clarify: in this article I do not dare to assert something about all women, but rather I want to make my observations regarding women in a co-dependent relationship.)
About children's experience
And too demanding and overly soft women had similar parents in childhood: inadequate or weak-willed, frightened mother, sometimes - competing with a daughter; and despotic or emotionally unstable, frightening father, sometimes the father is completely absent. On the one hand, such women idealize and respect masculine power and strength that they do not have, and on the other hand, they cannot respect their femininity and feminine power, since their mothers did not give them such an example.Contact with their sexuality, the ability to seduce is perceived as the only possible lever of influence in this unpredictable world. In such families, girls are given a lot of conflicting messages. Their initiative and independence is suppressed, or only the one that is male or childish is encouraged. The growing up girl does not feel her feminine value, meets with the prohibition and suppression of her immediacy or healthy aggression. She has to either become like dad and strive to the male world, or remain infantile and dependent, solving all her life tasks through husbands, lovers and any influential men.
Borders in love
Warm, inferior, caring women - this is about femininity. But if unstable boundaries and the inability to take care of oneself are added to this, this is a bait for male parasites. They, in turn, also suffer from manhood, equal relations for such men are too unsafe, so they enter into relations only with those who are not very good at borders. Here in the position of a woman, (whether she is aware or not) there are not only tangible shortcomings, but also not such obvious advantages.Behind relations with parasites, abuzers, there is a strong fear and lack of experience of independence, separateness. Low self-esteem and lack of contact with their female power and aggression. Inside, the woman failed to grow up, and rather she feels like a defenseless child. And of course, such a woman is inclined to withstand too much in a relationship so as not to lose the object that ensures her safety and survival. Over time, her personal boundaries almost cease to be felt by her. If there are children in the family - the lack of personal boundaries of the mother, and therefore in the family as a whole, will also greatly affect their boundaries and self-esteem.
It happens that a woman dreams of finding a strong male, so that later he becomes tender, attentive and caring. If this happens, then she devalues him as a man. She does it of course unconsciously. If a woman fails men's borders, it is difficult for her to respect him and to enjoy intimacy. And in this position also has its advantages. For example, her fear of closeness is so great that it’s better to deal with a safe partner, even if not respectable.That's just here the feminine pleasure - at least. Often: problems with getting sexual pleasure. Since own femininity is forbidden, through projection it can manifest as strong jealousy towards other women, or excessive control and anxiety.
The state of combat readiness for competition is for everything in the world and at every step. This voltage should ensure the safety of their own self-esteem, which is very unstable and fluctuates all the time. And oddly enough - not a single man, nor his attention, gifts and adoration, which are not eternal, can fundamentally affect women's self-esteem. Yes, for a short time it is possible to reduce stress by external evidence of its significance. But it works - like a bottomless barrel.
In general, everything connected with the artificial external support of the value itself is either very shaky and unreliable, or it requires inhuman effort non-stop, or is hellishly expensive. Practice shows that a couple of years of psychotherapy cost much less in terms of finances and personal investment.
Initially, women's self-esteem is built in contact with the Other Woman. Men are not powerful.This is an exclusively women's territory with its own laws. The problem is that a woman with a wounded dignity devalues this Other before it is possible to get something from her. After all, she devalued her mother ... In therapy, the client can not withstand the tension that causes the identity of another female therapist. If it cannot be devalued, it may be difficult to cope with the seemingly too great importance and authority of the therapist. But of course, all these difficulties can be overcome. And when it turns out, a female therapist can just become a very good partner, helping to restore access to femininity.
What to do in an existing relationship?
While the boundaries in a relationship are blurred, it is very difficult to isolate one’s responsibility: not to take the extra, but not to shift one’s own one to a man. Women often sin because they blame men for everything - either he, he says, is too despotic, or too characterless, with all the consequences. But it does not lead to anything good or useful. The zone of your influence is not in trying to change it, but in your work with your part of responsibility. Well, if a man is ready to go with you to a family psychologist.And if not…
All you can really do is restore your own boundaries, dignity, and watch what happens to a partner. Does it adapt to change? Will he be able to live with a woman whose self-esteem returns to normal? Because it is no joke - the test is not for the faint of heart. Not everyone stands up. And the relationship can only be maintained with those who stand and pick you up. And if he does not have a resource for this, then often a woman discovers that she herself is not ready to continue relations with such a man. And very fair. When dignity is normal - there are other partners that it attracts.
Some will exclaim now: why does a woman, not a man, initiate change? It's not always the same. Men and women are very different in their mentality. A strong floor is more prone to occur outside. Initiate the processes of external life. And after all, each of us also chooses - whether to associate life with such and such a man, is he status enough, or strong, or reliable. Similarly, relationships are a sphere of greater influence of women. Here, a man rather, assessing his capabilities and needs, agrees or disagrees on the quality of interaction that you offer.